Do you speak MBAese?

Came across this word (MBAese) in Urban Dictionary and smiled at how precisely it defines this extremely complicated though extremely meaningless language top managers tend to use.

Here’s the exact definition of MBAese: “The indecipherable language taught in MBA factories where the user has mastered the art of using large, multisyllabic words to make meaningless, intelligent sounding action statements.”

And the example given vividly illustrates this concept:

The presenter stated in MBAese, “We are aggressively leveraging existing assets to affect a paradigm shift interdepartmental synergy.”

which actually says: We got a loan to buy a new phone, and then called Steve from HR.

It’s just amazing how seemingly difficult one can express their thoughts and how little sense it actually makes when put simple.

So, don’t overcomplicate things, this doesn’t show you are smart but clearly shows you pretend to be smart. The real art is explaining complex issues in simple words. Be accessible!

Story of three pilgrims (by Tom Hanks)

This story is a part of Commencement Speech 2011 at Yale University performed by Tom Hanks (you can watch it in full on YouTube).

(Starting 13:07) Three men found that they could no longer sleep because of their deep-seeded fears. Their lives were in the state of stasis because of their constant worries. So they set out on a pilgrimage to find a wise man who lived high in the mountains, so high up above the tree line, that no vegetation grew, no animals live, not even insects could be found so high up in the mountains in that thin air. When they reached his cave the first of the three said:

“Help me, wise man, for my fear has crippled me!”

“What is your fear?”, said the wise man.

“I fear death,” said the pilgrim, “I wonder when it is going to come for me”

“Ah, death,” said the wise man. “Let me take away this fear, my friend. Death will not come to call until you are ready for its embrace. Know that and your fear will go away.”

Well, this cumbered pilgrim’s mind and he feared death no longer.

The wise man turned to the second pilgrim and said, “What is it you fear, my friend”

“I fear my new neighbors,” said the second pilgrim, “They are strangers who observe holy days different than mine! They have way too many kids. And they play music that sounds like noise.”

“Ah, strangers,” said the wise man. “I will  take away this fear, my friend. Return to your home, and make a cake for your new neighbors. Bring toys to their children. Join them in their songs and learn their ways. And you will become familiar with these neighbors and your fear will go away.”

The second man saw the wisdom in this simple instruction and knew he would no longer fear the family who were his neighbors.

There in the cave so high in the mountains that nothing could live the wise man turned to the last pilgrim and asked of his fear.

“Oh, wise man. I fear… spiders. When I try to sleep at night I imagine spiders dropping from the ceiling and crawling upon my flesh and I cannot rest.”

“Ah, spiders,” said the wise man. “No, shit, why do you think I live way up here?!”

Hu is the new leader of China

An amazing dialog based on homophones:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.